The Lorax Speaks for the Trees, But Who Will Speak for the Prairie Dogs?

Well, I think we can count Mike Pedersen out.

Many of you know my dad. Friendly, funny, sarcastic, bequeather of eyebrows of epic proportions. Just an all-around swell guy. Unless, of course, you are a squirrel or even worse--happen to be of the rodent persuasion. Because it is a rare hobby indeed that my dad enjoys more than taking the old BB gun out to the back yard and picking off one of Nature's scurrying, burrowing, flea-ridden creatures. It's one of his endearing little quirks.

And speaking of scurrying, burrowing, flea-ridden creatures....how 'bout them prairie dogs? They bark, they de-foliage and defile whatever "prairie" they find themselves in--they carry the BUBONIC PLAGUE, for the love of St. Pete. And according to our local paper The Highlands Ranch Herald they are getting their own support group. After reading a recent article in the paper all about the need to protect these vile and supernumerary creatures, my dad wrote a rather scathing and might I add amusingly caustic letter to the editor. A few days later "the paper" called to enquire if they could publish** my dad's name with his response (cruelly leading my dad to assume that his 350 words of wisdom would be appearing in the next edition. It wasn't.) So, taking advantage of the public nature of Blogland, I'd like to present to you my dad's first literary foray into "complaining about stuff written in the HR Herald". I think it's pretty darn good.


But first, an excerpt from the article that got Dad heated:

News

Prairie dogs get

their local policy

[Note to readers: I am taking the liberty of sparing you all a lot of blathering paragraphs related to the forming of committees and discussion groups dedicated to discussing the needs of the prairie dog.] .......

Ms. Matthews [the head of the coalition to protect the prairie dogs] said
there is a five-step process to the management options. "We couldn't rule
out that in some cases, the last resort, we have to manage them".

[The process of dealing with the prairie dogs is then outlined] Step one would
be avoidance. In most cases, the prairie dogs are a natural part of
the ecosystem. Another step is to put up barriers, or plant crops
with high vegetation, because prairie dogs do not like the high grass. "It makes them nervous." Matthews said. Other steps include relocation or using a form of lethal control, or having the prairie dogs captured and utilized in other suitable wildlife recovery programs. The county may evaluate the feasibility and effectiveness of innovative management techniques, such as
immunocontraceptive vaccines or oral contraceptives, as they become
available on the market or through institutions conducting research.

Now for my father's response:

Your prairie dog story of October 29 was a riot. I was on the floor laughing until I discovered it was serious. I first thought it was a re-write from THE ONION or a new plot from South Park. The visual image of PETA people giving out "oral contraceptives" and vaccinating the little rodents was hilarious. There must be a Chinese company that would make tiny little condoms that, together with a well-made video, could help the male prairie dogs be more responsible. (Somebody contact Michael Moore).

As I continued to read I became aware that these people are deadly serious. I was equally dumbfounded to know we have a "Prairie Prevention Alliance" and it has a "staff" and "committees" who sit around creating policies to protect an animal that needs no protection. Rodents have survived for millions of years without policies. They have DNA that limits their offspring during hard times, and were created (or evolved if creation makes you uncomfortable) with four legs and the ability to move when their environment or food source becomes undesireable.

Did anyone mention that prairie dogs multiply faster than an IBM Roadrunner, and have the gestation period of about 15 minutes? The argument that praire dogs are an important specie because they provide other predators with a food source implies that without prairie dog stew the wolves, coyotes and foxes would disappear. (Somebody contact Al Gore). These predators have also been designed with four legs and have been known to travel up to forty miles a day to find food.

Unfortunately, the biggest danger to prairie dogs is not greedy land developers, or heartless farmers, but the zealots who want to protect them. The fact is, most of the prairie dogs being sucked out of their burrows are maimed and mutilated, leaving their babies to starve to death. Can you see the wolves, coyotes and foxes gathered at the prairie dog relocation points (like a group of Claifornia hunters waiting by the deer crossing sign) anticipating their prairie dog banquet? Ms. Matthews, you crack me up--you should be a writer for Saturday Night Live. If you want to relocate, vaccinate or even supply them with tiny Chinese condoms, I have no problem, as long as you use your money and not our already strained tax dollars.

**Note: Please pronounce it POO-blish. I always do!