How To Ruin Your Day:

How to set yourself up for failure in 16 easy steps:

1. Get to bed at midnight. Don't forget to set your alarm for 5:05 to meet your workout buddy at the gym! (Oh! And be sure and start that new pack of birth control pills, from which you have been taking a "mental health break" for the past 3 months.)

2. Toss and turn for 2 hours. Peek at the clock one last time (at 2 am) before falling into a fitful sleep.

3. Pop out of bed when the alarm sounds--observe the dark circles etched around your eyeballs as you get your workout gear together. Ask yourself out loud "Would a sane person be doing this?"

4. Work out extra hard to ensure that whatever energy reserves you had going into the day are now completely depleted by 7:30 am.

5. Drive yourself to WalMart for comestibles--you've got the whole crew home for Spring Break and your teen alone can consume half his body weight in snack foods each day.

6. Browse around the store aimlessly for a while until you find yourself in the potty-training isle. Suddenly decide to purchase a potty chair with the intention of training your nearly 3 1/2 year old immediately!! Don't stop to think--Is this something that I should mull over for a day or two? Is this an activity that would benefit from a well-thought out plan of action? Is this something better left to a day when I am not both sleep deprived and medicated with extra hormones? Who knows! Just do it!!

7. As soon as the 3 1/2 year old wakes up give him the good news!

8. Look around for suitable underpants. What a shame you don't have any! Go with older brother's roomy underwear.

9. In a calm and reassuring voice, tell your child he now gets to poop and pee in the potty! (Lots of clapping by you, look of slight apprehension by him) Let child try the potty out. Give lots of encouragement, and be sure to mention the bag of Peanut M&M's you bought earlier. (Threaten older children with crippling injuries if they touch the M&M's.)

10. Without your awareness or help of any kind, your child uses the potty correctly! Yay! Call Nana and Papa! Have dad come in for hi-fives!! Break out the candy and hand the little trainee a single M&M!!! Watch his mood turn from jubilation to consternation when his request of "now I have the rest of the candy" is met with no.

11. After an hour of annoying vigilance on your part and annoyed cooperation on his part, your child waits for a moment of privacy before emptying the contents of his bladder on the bathroom floor. Keep your voice reassuring and upbeat. While cleaning up the mess tell your child for the 47th time that peeing in the potty will result in another piece of candy.

12. Decide to take the little guy to WalMart to purchase all new underpants! Miracle of miracles!! Not a hint of trouble! Arrive home with a three pack of Batman underpants. Walk out of the room. Walk back into the room to see your child (with pants around his ankles) "taking care of business" right there in the family room. Try not to shout anything negative out loud. Praise him for missing the carpet.

13. Have child put on one of the new pairs of underpants. Wait 7 minutes. Wipe up spills with a handy stack of paper napkins.

14. Grab another pair of new underpants. With a firm tone lacking in any hint of sweetness, remind the little darling that peeing on the floor is not acceptable. Take child, potty chair and M&M's downstairs with you to the basement. Plant Johnny Urine-itis and his toys next to the potty.

15. Wait 5 minutes. Observe a suspicious puddle forming underneath child. Lose your cool. Shout at innocent 10 year old across the room "THIS IS WHY WE AREN'T EVER GOING TO GET A PET!"

16. Admit defeat, slap a diaper on that kid and walk away in an exasperated fashion.