A Few Thoughts On Motherhood

For Kirsten, a lady in waiting, some of my priceless sisterly advice, part 1 (Yes. There will be more posts on this topic. I didn't just have 5 kids and not garner a few gems of opinionated experience):

The Hospital

Don't expect to stay in the hospital very long with your first baby. Why should you? Somewhat-lousy food, lack of privacy, the place is a zoo and nurses come in at odd hours (4 am) to draw blood and such. Of course when you have your next baby, none of these things will be as exhausting as coming home to big sister Daphne who wants to pull off Baby's toes, so you will then happily stay as long as possible. You will think it's a day spa.

Have Nic bring you food from the "outside" and order as much as you can before the kitchen closes at night. Birthing a baby is hungry work. You usually don't really eat anything during labor (which with your first baby can last a day--you should be so lucky) and so by the time you are done and the euphoria fades, you will be starving.

I always recommend NOT rooming in, because soon enough you'll be round the clock for 18 years. Newborns sound like little pigs and you'll just be tempted to sit up and watch her anyway, so give yourself one night--the next few thousand will be all yours.


Telling Everyone About The New Baby

When she is born, you and Nic are permitted to tell each other and the grandmas in painstaking detail just how beautiful your daughter is, as often as you like, but that is it. For everybody else, you must limit your comments to using the following adjectives:

Cute, Sweet and/or Adorable. Under no circumstances are you to use the phrases "most beautiful baby" "gorgeous" or for Heaven's sake, "breathtaking". This is for two reasons:

1) It makes every one else uncomfortable. They won't openly contradict you, but they will be silently mocking you. After all, how many gorgeous, breathtaking babies have a cone head or look like Mr. Magoo? And all babies look like either Mr. Magoo (fatties) or a newt (scrawnies). So don't embarrass yourself because some day soon....

2) You will pull out the pictures of her when she was new and be horrified as you realize, "Jeez Louise, I had no idea my baby looked like an alien!" It happens to all of us, and I am just warning you of the inevitable. Seriously. All babies are beautiful and weird looking. It's not your fault. Don't worry though, she'll be cuter later on.

At Home With Baby

Leaving the hospital is really....annoying. It takes forever and you just want to BE HOME. The nurse will have you sign a paper that basically says "Yes, this is our baby." Each time I have had a baby I have had to sign this paper, and each time the nurse says "This is so when they are 13 you can't try to return them to the hospital." This is a very popular nurse joke. You will laugh politely and act like you get it, but on the inside you will be thinking "Shut up, crazy fool! This is the best baby ever!" Only see, when your baby gets to be 13, you really will want to bring her back.

Breastfeeding hurts. Everything hurts. Sitting, standing, the potty. Take your Tylenol. They give you a bottle at the hospital so take the recommended amount around the clock at least until your milk has come in. And for a few days after that.

You will stink. You will stink like old cheese and sweat and spit up. Your baby won't care, and you won't care, but we will, so make an effort to shower daily. Don't expect this to happen before 4 pm.

At precisely 2 weeks after giving birth, you will look around with bleary eyes and think, "How have I lived like this?" It gets better at 6 weeks, but beware those 4 long weeks in between.

Flattering clothing post-baby: Long, loose fitting skirt/shirt combos. Some women absolutely hate wearing their maternity clothes after the baby is born. I can't say I loved it, but they sure fit so comfy and baggy. When everything gets unflatteringly snug at the end, it's nice to go back to roomy. Plan on Big Girl clothes for a while.

You will spend entire days in bed, just looking at her. Don't feel guilty and think you should be getting up and cleaning/cooking/laundering. You have the rest of your life to slave away (for her). Stay in bed for as long as you can. Everybody tells you that the time flies by way too fast and everybody is right. Enjoy every stage because they don't last and things just get harder the older children get. The newborn stage is easier than the potty-training stage, is easier than the mouthy pre-teen stage....

And lastly, never, ever tell anyone the name you've chosen until you've given birth. It is like the worst mistake you can make as a parent. It will haunt you......Seriously, though. I actually don't mind that you didn't listen to me the many, many times I told you to keep mum on little Daphne Ryn. It is an adorable name (but breathtaking??) so I guess I'll forgive you. I am serious though, about all the other stuff. Trust me, I know what I'm talking about.