No Pets

The other day Josie walked into the room, looked at me and said, "Mom, I really do like to clean up poop. Seriously!"

I rightly assumed that this had something to do with getting a dog. We have a strict "no pets" policy here at the Konchar's. I should clarify: I have a strict no pets policy. My husband and my kids have other ideas. My standard answer (excuse) to the question of why we don't have a dog is summed up in three words, we have kids.

I am not a pet person. I am quick to admit this. I am a kid person. Why some people adore their pets is beyond my comprehension. (Also beyond my understanding, why do some people like beef jerky, or even worse, Flaming Hot Cheetos? As a rule, I love Cheetos. I think anything that particular color of orange must be delicious. But Flaming Hot Cheetos are some kind of torture. They taste horrible and then that horrible taste gets hotter and hotter and won't leave my mouth. I think eating more of them will help, but it doesn't. This makes me feel old and sad.)

I feel bad for not liking pets--dogs especially--because it makes me wonder if there is something wrong with me. (Actually, I acknowledge that there are a number of things wrong with me, but I don't honestly think that this is one of them.) Colorado in general and Highlands Ranch in particular loves dogs. All of my neighbors have dogs. They bark at the most absurd times and poop in the yard. Their owners have to walk them every day, which at times is a real sacrifice in a climate such as ours. And when they walk these dogs they carry along a little plastic bag in which to tote the dog poop home. Am I the only one to find this situation ridiculous? (Yes, I am aware that just like dogs, children poop too. It is just that with children, I am willing to over look it. Diapers I consent to, poop bags I do not.)

Unfortunately for me, I am fighting a losing battle on the "no pets" front. Even at this very moment, my kids and spouse are formulating a plan to gang up on me and wear me down to the point that it will be easier just to get the dang dog than fight them on the topic. So I guess my only option in this situation is to at least be the one to pick out the dog. Because I certainly don't want to leave that job up to Pie.

Pie grew up in the backwoods of Pennsylvania leading the idyllic life of a monkeywolfboy. His memories are of roaming the woods and swimming in ponds and falling asleep in trees instead of getting on the bus for first grade. There were eight free-range Konchar kids and they all have stories of being saved by the family dog from death by drowning, copperheads, thin ice, etc. Most of these stories (I say stories but they are indeed true) involved the smartest and best-loved of a long line of family dogs, a certain collie by the name of Rebel.

I owe my husband's life to this dog, so I will try and be respectful to his memory but let me say it (and Konchars, please continue to love me anyway) I really find collies personally distasteful. They are tops in a certain category of dog that I will never own or enjoy looking at: the long-haired dog. Not only are they high maintenance (I refuse to own a dog whose beauty routine is longer than my own) but they just always look uncomfortably hot. Add to this the collies' unfortunate combination of long, skinny snout, huge poofy body and tiny delicate paws and that pretty much covers the many ways I think this dog looks silly. So collies are right out. As are huskies, labs, retrievers and any of the squatty dogs like beagles, terriers, wiener dogs. Ditto the yappers and the nippers. I would consider a hairless dog, just for the sheer joy I would find in owning such a hideous and unfortunate creature (Oh! The fun alone of naming such a dog!) but I hear they are way expensive and have to wear sweaters to keep warm, even indoors. Considering my track record with laundry, I think it best to avoid breeds that would only add to my laundry burden.

So to make myself clear, I am on the lookout for a dog that isn't dumpy, sweaty, stinky, prone to shedding or barking, hyper-active or a biter. I would prefer one that isn't needy, picky about diet or demanding of daily walks. It would have to love children and be content to spend the day out in the backyard NOT barking at rabbits, squirrels, other dogs or people innocently walking to get their mail. Pleasant breath would be ideal, but dare I dream?

You can see how sad I am about all this. While I would love to get a dog for the sake of my family, I just don't see how it will be possible to find one that meets my many needs. And it really is all about what I want. Because no matter what she says, we all know that at the end of the day Josie really doesn't love cleaning up poop. And neither do I.

(I recognize the dog in the picture is not a collie. It is just a funny looking dog. Pie would not allow me to post a picture of a collie after reading this blog.)